Save Your Marriage with Hors D'oeuvres


Men love hors d’oeuvres!

That’s because hors d'oeuvres send a chemical message to the male brain that tells the animal there’s food ready to eat, NOW. My husband Terry told me that when he smells the aroma of food cooking, his nose is unable to decipher when that food will be ready to eat. A plate of hors d’oeuvres, on the other hand, goes straight into the blood stream, assuring the organism that everything is going to be alright. Now you might ask, “Why do you think men like hors d’oeuvres more than women do?” Well, women like hors d’oeuvres too, but they don’t need them like men do. When I fix dinner I’m hors d’oeuvring through the entire cooking process. Many times I’ve hors d’oeuvred myself into a bloated stupor before I’ve sat down to the dinner table.

Have you noticed men are weird when they’re hungry (especially tall ones)? I learned that early in my marriage to Terry. When it was dinner time he used to always be ravenous and, quite frankly, I didn’t like him when he was that way. He was six feet, three inches of uncontrollable hunger and he’d drive me nuts!

He didn’t act mean or cranky like some men do; he just acted like he’d skipped his meds. He’d sort of be a combination of Kramer (in the sitcom Seinfeld) and Barney Fife (in The Andy Griffith Show) on speed. He’d dart around the kitchen trying to get closer to the pending meal. He’d find difficulty concentrating and our kitchen just wasn’t big enough for both of us, when he’d be famished.

A famished man definitely acts differently than a famished woman. It doesn’t surprise me at all that Swanson didn’t think to name their large portioned TV dinner, Hungry Woman Dinner, even though an average lady can put one away with no problem. No one addresses the idea of a hungry woman because, quite frankly, we never are. That’s because we snack. From the time we are youngsters; we spend more time in the kitchen and therefore have more access to food than men do. If we work outside of our homes we carry with us a snacking pattern gleaned from generations of female snackers. I would bet that more business women have snacks in their drawers at work than men do. And men don’t have purses (a natural snack sack) to tuck treats. Hungry_Man_Dinner_copy



I think if Terry thought he could get away with it, he’d barge into the kitchen, from a snackless day in his office and head straight to the nearest open container of food. He’d wolf down the main course right over the frying pan and slop the sauce de jour all over the front of himself. He’d cool his burnt tongue in a stream of cold water from the kitchen faucet and continue his dishless feed leaning over the sink as he crammed. He’d stuff his already packed mouth with a variety of miscellaneous edibles within reach and wash the remaining side dishes down with a pot of soup he’d missed in his initial culinary attack on the kitchen. He wouldn’t talk, he wouldn’t think, he wouldn’t even taste, but he’d be full. It would take about five minutes.Pigging_out


So what’s the answer? Hors d’oeuvres! That thought hit me right between bites one night while I was fixing dinner. I suddenly realized something that could ultimately save 75% of couples who think they want to divorce, from the agony of disillusionment. It might have even salvaged my first marriage, but that was too long ago to even think about. I’d decided I was going to apply it to my new husband.


Even if hors d’oeuvres are part of the meal held out and put on a special plate, it will do the trick. Say you have prepared a roast chicken; just throw the cooked gizzard, heart and liver in the Cuisinart with a little onion, garlic and mayo, dollop the mixture on slices of cucumber and put them on a fancy plate that doesn’t match anything else in your cupboard. (You can find such plates and bowls at any reputable garage sale.) hors_doeuvres

Hors d’oeuvres can be the result of a refrigerator clean out. It doesn’t really matter what it is, as long as it is served IMMEDIATELY!

In French, hors d’oeuvres means outside of work. The French are smart. They were very clever to name this part of a meal, hors d’oeuvres because a hungry husband just outside of work needs something in his stomach. The French are also known for being romantic. They probably thought up the saying, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” which I think that is true.

If you want to stop fighting over stupid things like who used the last square of toilet paper and didn’t replace the roll, serve hors d’oeuvres. If your marriage is threatened by quibbling over who uses all the gas in the car and coasts it into the driveway, serve hors d’oeuvres right there in the garage. If your husband expects you to be a natural navigator and you can’t read a map unless the map and the car are going in the same direction, have hors’ d’oeuvres in the front seat and you’ll be home free.

Hors d’oeuvres can save your marriage. Wouldn’t it be a shame if the only thing standing in the way of happier marriages is a glob of tuna salad on a nice crisp romaine lettuce leaf? tuna_on_a_lettuce_leaf



Here's a cooking video that might help you in the hors d'oeuvres department: 


P.S. It’s always nice to name food in French. Look at the difference in the name of this hors d’oeuvres: 
French name: La Viande D’hier Soir Est Sous le Fromage

English name: The Meat From Last Night is Under the Cheese

P.S.S. I have a special on my cookbook The Phony Gourmet with a whole bunch of recipes for hors d'oeuvres.



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